4 reasons why you're not getting what you want in the bedroom

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Have you ever had a bad sexual experience? Your partner came too fast or you didn't come at all?!  It was so boring you wanted to fall asleep? They nibbled a little too hard on your…? You get the picture, right? In most cases the reason why you’re getting poor results is because you’re not communicating what you want, how you want it, and when you want it. Let’s talk about why you’re not getting the results you want and a few ways to overcome those obstacles.

You don't think you need to talk about it

Great sex comes naturally, right?  Insert woman and hot guy/gal. You lock eyes at the bar, you both smile, there’s crazy attraction, cut to steamy sex, you both climax at the same time and collapse in ecstasy, END SCENE.  This may sound like your favorite rated R movie, but this is totally unrealistic in everyday life. It typically look's a little more like this:

We also usually don't see a name exchange, how they decide where to go next,  any form of consent, or God-forbid a question about any existing STI's.

We’ve created this unrealistic idea that we don't need to have a conversation about sex. We'll get completely butt naked and show off all of our worldy goods, but will then be afraid to talk about what's about to happen. Sorry, but pleading ignorance or saying "I didn't know"  about anything sexual won't cut it when you have the opportunity to just ask. Asking questions like “are you currently sleeping with other people, do you have protection, do you have any STI's” can save your life. True, a person can simply lie to your face, but if you don't know them well enough to know if they're lying... well maybe you shouldn't be sleeping with them.  And if you can’t talk about these things, how can you talk about where and how you want to be touched? You need to talk about sex no matter how much it makes you uncomfortable- which leads me to my next point…

Talking about sex makes you feel uncomfortable

I’m not saying it’s easy to tell your partner what you want and need to be satisfied. I’m acknowledging the fact that asking someone to start or stop doing (insert freaky thing here) in the heat of the moment is not easy and will be uncomfortable. The good thing is as you find your voice and feel comfortable communicating what you want, you’ll do it more often. It won't feel weird to you,  instead it will be empowering. So what does that sound and look like? Here are a few tips:

  • Have a conversation about what you like in the bedroom before you actually get in the bedroom. Find a place where you can be alone and get their undivided attention, like dinner. 

  • Get a sheet of paper and write down 5 things that you really enjoy sexually. Then have your partner do the same. Share your lists and then try a few of them. You may have more in common than you know. 

  • Use statements like these to point your partner in the right direction - “i’ll come really fast if you (blank)”,  “that’s a little painful, but it felt good when you (blank)”, “can you kiss like this instead”, “it felt better when you were (blank)”

  • Use these statements to get more of what you want  “i like it when you…”, “it felt good when you…”, In short praising the good goes a loooooong way!

Now before you can become a pro at talking about what you want, we’ve got to talk about this...

You don't know what you like

Did you know that between 60% and 80% of women have trouble reaching orgasm when having intercourse? Yo, that’s like most of the people reading this and it honestly makes me sad. I’m not going to put all the blame on you, but I am going to point out the fact that you may be playing a part in your sexual dissatisfaction. Let’s start with the basics. Do you know the different parts down below? If not, google a pic that labels your anatomy, get a mirror, and identify your lady parts.  Next, try masturbating. The goal shouldn't be to orgasm at first, but rather to just explore what feels good. Touch, tickle, rub, and stimulate your body in any way that turns you on. Finally, try a different technique, such as using a shower head to stimulate yourself, or inserting a finger into your vulva to find your G-spot for the first time.  Simply put, find a private spot in your home and touch yourself! The more in tune you are with your body and what you like, the more likely you will be able to climax when you're with your partner. 

You're afraid to hurt your partner's feelings

You won’t hear me say this often, but sometimes you have to be a little selfish. You have two options here. 1) Stay quiet and fake it through the bad sex techniques OR 2) Speak up and acknowledge it’s bad so you can get to the good techniques. If your partner can’t appreciate some honest feedback then maybe that’s not the right partner for you. Let that marinate for a minute. If you’re nervous to tell your partner about the move you hate, there’s always the sandwich technique.  Start with some positive feedback (bread), insert the constructive criticism (meat and veggies), and then finish it off with a little more positive (bread). For example: 

“Babe last night was great. I didn’t really like that new move you tried, but I’d love to try (insert something new)”

“When you licked my nipples it was amazing. It was little weird when you started biting them. Maybe next time you can (fill in the blank).

Get the picture? 

So now it’s your turn. Did I forget a really important reason why we don't talk to our partners about sex? Share this post below on social media and chime in with your thoughts. I’ll post your top answers in a new post.  

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