6 Reasons Why You May Be Struggling to Find Love
Okay, okay, I know the title sounds like I'm putting all of the blame on you for why you haven't found true love yet. So I will start off with acknowledging that dating is hard, and finding someone that you're compatible with is even harder. I mean I've went on dates where I have left with questions like:
Am I being punked (looks for camera man)?
THIS, can't be what you want for my life, God???
What lesson are you trying to teach me with this one?
Yet, in all things it's important to take a step back and reflect on how we may be sabotaging our love life before it even starts. Below are 6 ways that you may be doing this. Check them out and let me know in the comments if anything resonates with you.
GET RID OF THE LOSER YOU'RE CURRENTLY DATING
One of the top reasons why most people can’t find a healthy relationship is because they’re stuck in a dead one. Have you ever dated someone who you knew wasn’t right for you, but you continued to date them anyway? We all have! Why? There are so many reasons, but some of the main ones are great sex, you’ve been together for sooooo long and you’re comfortable in your mess, you have low self esteem and don't think you can do better, or you convince yourself that “you’re just having a good time” and that this is not anything serious. Whatever the reason, you need to leave, heal, and prepare yourself for better. You can’t find something new if you’re still holding on to old baggage.
YOU'RE TOO FOCUSED ON SUPERFICIAL STUFF
That list of 25 things you want in a partner should be thrown in the garbage! Do you remember the show “What Chili Wants”? If you’re too young to remember it, youtube it. Anyway, here was a sneak peek of some of her list:
He can't drink
He can’t smoke
He can’t eat pork
No more than 2 baby mommas
Really huge penis
There are so many things wrong with this list, but I’ll just state a few of them. While it's good to be aware of your deal breakers, try not to spend too much time focusing on them. At the end of the day most of the things that you think that you absolutely don't want in a mate, are negotiable. Instead really think about what you DO want. If the perfect mate was standing in front of you how would he/she show you that they care about you and others? What kind of things would they say to you? Focus on what this person can do, not what they can’t. Think about the way you want a partner to love you and the personality traits they would have to have to do it. Now, that doesn't mean make a list of 25 personality traits. Instead prioritize your top 5-10 traits. Focus on traits like being trustworthy, responsible, consistent, valuing his family and friendships, giving back to his community, etc. These are better indicators of a good partner than what they look like or penis size.
Then stay true to the list. Yes, you'll make edits as time goes on, but you shouldn't change too much from your core values. If family is super important to you and you need a family oriented mate but meet someone who has no relationship with any of their family members... this may not be the one for you. Consistency is another big one. You can't get a call/text back from this person, but you believe this is your soul mate? Naw sis, keep it moving.
YOU HAVE TO ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS AND LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS
So you’ve created this list of what you want in a partner. To find that person you have to be willing to go through a process of weeding out the wrong people. That consists of communicating and learning more about a person. If you want a monogamous relationship you can’t be afraid to ask a date what they’re looking for and directly tell them what you want. If you want someone who is self sufficient, you can’t be afraid to ask someone about their career, life goals, or current living situation. Maybe you desire a great sex life, but you’re too afraid to talk about STI’s, condoms, birth control, current partners, etc. You won’t get the answers you want unless you ask the questions.
You also HAVE to listen AND accept a person’s answer as truth. If you ask a potential partner what they're looking for and the response is, “oh I’m just dating and having a good time” or “I’m not looking for anything serious”---That’s the answer!!! Your great personality and your vagina is not going to change that. Put your energy into finding someone who wants what you want or walk away ... no actually run away from anyone who doesn't. Why run? Because you don't have to put everyone that you date and decide you don't like in the "friend zone". This sometimes give false hope to people who still want to pursue you. There are people that you can just erase from your life all together.
YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOU, FIRST
Have you ever heard of the saying “what you put out into the world is what you attract”? Well it’s true. If you’re happy and excited about life, you will attract others who are or are working towards it. And if you’re not happy, figure out why. Counseling is a great way to do that. It’s always good to talk to someone who can be objective and has no stake in the game.
No one is perfect, which means there are things that you need to work on while you’re waiting for the love of your life. Even if you feel like you’ve got it all together there’s always something you could be better at or something new that’s worth trying. Take that pole class you’ve been eyeing, join a co-ed sports team, take a business course at a community college, or start working out again. Hell, just get out of your normal routine. If all you do is go to work, go to the grocery store, go home, sleep, and repeat you probably are missing out on the joys of life AND meeting someone new!
Maybe you’re like me and you didn't grow up in a home with two parents who were madly in love. Maybe you don’t have a lot of family members or friends who are in healthy relationships. Maybe you're not sure how to truly love another person they way you wish to be loved. The truth is many people grow up in single parent households, with parents who hate each other, or are raised by people outside of their mother and father and still find love. Whatever the reason is that’s holding you back, is just an excuse. At the end of the day, you have the power to determine what your happily ever after looks like.
I know you’ve been hurt a lot, but I’m sorry that's a part of the process. Ask yourself a question: What has being afraid ever done for you in life? Fear will only keep you alone and complaining. If you want better, you have to face your fears. You can start by reading a self-help book, confiding in a spiritual friend, or talking to a professional. Simply get the help you need to boost your confidence so that you can move forward in your love life.
So here’s the toughest one. Finding love takes time for some and much longer for others. I know, it isn’t fair! Some people are single for 3 minutes before some amazing partner comes along and swipes them up, while others have been single for years. You my friend, can’t focus on that! You can't because when we are impatient we are more prone to make bad decisions and rush into bad relationships. I know it gets lonely, but would you rather be alone and happy or be tied to someone who is literally draining the life out of you?
In the meantime, just focus on being the best you that you can be. Also believe that everything happens in due time and that what is right for you will find you. Sit down, be humble, and most importantly, be patient.
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