Are you Willing to Submit to your Partner?
Here's a snippet of Chapter "S " on Submission in my upcoming e-book "The A to Z Guide to Thriving in the First Year of Marriage. FYI, it's okay if you're not spiritual or religious. There are some practical points that any person can relate to.
I know that when many of us think about submitting to a partner we think of one of two things. One is submitting in the bedroom and the other is doing whatever our partner tells us to do. Yet, rest assured, submission is so much more than what you see in porn or hear in some of these backwards a** churches. (Sorry, every preacher is not a man of God. This shouldn’t offend you if yours is though.) Keep reading to find out why I choose to submit to my husband and why it shouldn’t be such a crazy thing to consider.
WHAT DOES SUBMISSION MEAN TO ME?
So when my husband and I went through premarital counseling, one of the first things that our pastor talked about were the roles that men and women play in a marriage. If you know us then you know we were like “Naw fam, we not into gender roles”. Of course he showed us in the scripture how man was created to lead, protect, and provide, while the woman was meant to help the man and manage the home. What WE have always agreed upon is that we want a marriage where we work together for the good of our family in all things. We both work, we both do household chores, we both cook, and we both take care of our child. In some areas I do a little more and he a little more in other areas. We keep in mind that life comes at you fast and what is today, may not be tomorrow. Therefore, our roles within the household are fluid.
So why do I submit? I believe that my husband has received a vision from God about what is predestined for our family and how we should go about getting to our promise. Therefore, my hubby communicates the vision to me and we (together) move through it. When my husband has an idea for the family business he tells me and I yield to God’s direction. Yielding means that before my husband makes a decision he has to talk it over with me. That also means that when my husband brings me an idea that I don't believe in (cause not every idea is received from God) I can share that and we can rewrite the plan as we both see fit. The same goes for me. When I had the vision for Meet Mrs. Mayweather I shared it with my husband after much prayer and he has supported me every step of the way. Again, I didn't have to ask for his permission to do anything, but out of respect I always talk things through with him to make sure it aligns with our shared vision. Regardless of what your spiritual practice, you and your partner need to have a shared vision for your marriage and family. If not, it will likely fail.
One of the biggest things that I took away from premarital counseling is that submitting does not mean that my husband tells me what to do and I blindly follow. Submission is about yielding.
Another huge take away that I want you to understand is that you have to be able to trust your partner to allow them to lead you. It doesn't matter whether you’re in a heterosexual or same sex relationship. The truth is that someone has to lead. It will not always be 50/50. In fact it will NEVER be 50/50. There will be an ebb and flow of leadership in the relationship. For my headstrong women out there, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but you can't lead and follow at the same time. You two decide who that will be, but there can only be one.
WHO YOU SHOULDN’T BE SUBMITTING TO
There are a lot of women out there who are totally against submitting to their partners. And guess what, I agree with you. 9 times out of 10 you haven't found a person worth submitting to! Let that marinate. I wholeheartedly believe that you should NOT be submitting to ole boy just because he’s banging your back out, paying your bills, and providing you with free entertainment (meals, trips, etc.) The real question is what is his vision for your relationship and how did he decide it is so. You also shouldn’t be submitting to your girlfriend/boyfriend or fiance. I know marriage ain't for everybody, but I think that you have to have a very strong commitment to one another to share and have ownership over each other’s assets and lives. Just my opinion.
ARE YOU READY FOR SUBMISSION?
So maybe you’re one of those people who still isn’t sure that you want to submit. If so, ask yourself these questions, keeping in mind that it may not be for everyone one.
- What does submission mean to you? What does it mean to your partner? Are your definitions similar or drastically different? Are you willing to compromise or naw?
- What roles have already been established in your relationship? Do you feel you have the kind of relationship that allows you to change them, when necessary?
- Do you feel that your partner is capable of leading you? Are they confident, consistent, reliable?
- If not, ask yourself what purpose they are serving in your life?
- Do you believe that a man can submit to a woman? Do you believe that a woman can submit to a woman? Does your partner agree?
At the end of the day, If you want your partner to lead, let them lead and follow the vision! As for me, do I submit to my husband? Yes. Is that any easy process for me? Nope. Do I stray away from the plan sometimes? Yes. Do we grant each other grace to get this thing back on track? Yup!!!
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