Did you have a "hoe phase"?
Did y'all see the Season 2 Premiere of Insecure??? It was so good I think I might have to watch it again. I’m definitely confused and staying on #TeamIssa after that ending.
Anywho, last week I was watching the Breakfast Club’s interview with Issa Rae in anticipation and she mentioned that this season she will be dabbling into the "hoe phase". She even shared her ideas on the 3 categories that many women fall into:
1) "I want to meet my king and I'm only going to give it up to the right man!”
2) "I’m about to have fun, I'm about to do me, and fuck all I can, and get my numbers up.” Some women get stuck in this category as hoes and can’t get out of it.
3) Women who are able to seamlessly double dutch into "hoe-ery" and get their fix and then jump out and settle down, i.e get married.
This all got me to thinking about my own “hoe phase”. Now before I go any further, I want my readers to know that I have a background in women’s studies so I know how dangerous it is to label and minimize a woman’s sexual exploration to the term "hoe" or “hoe phase”. We all know that there is a double standard between men and women’s decisions to have sex with multiple people. I personally don't think that I was ever a hoe, nor do I think any woman who is responsibly engaging in sexual activities as many times they deem appropriate, a hoe either. BUT for the sake of entertainment, let's get into it!
WHAT IS A "HOE PHASE" ANYWAY?
So I have my own definition of what I experienced, but the first thing I did was google it and good ole urban dictionary gave us this:
“A phase in your life that occurs frequently when you are fine with exploring promiscuous activities and connecting with random people. These activities do not always end in sex, but can lead to it. You have a high tendency to dance provocatively with strangers, be a tease in social settings, flirt non-stop, kiss and/or make-out with others, and get caught up in the moment.”
So in other words, my college days, lol!
Now you’re probably asking, well what is your definition of a hoe, then? Let's be real, there is no real definition. It depends on who's saying the term and what their intention and power is. Your girl can jokingly calling you a hoe when you tell her you had sex with ol boy after going on a few dates or a rude ass dude can call you a hoe when you refuse to give him your number. Most people define it as someone who has casual sex with multiple partners, someone who sleeps with a partner “too soon”, and women are definitely called hoes when they have sex after receiving money or gifts from a partner! Now, I never had money left on my nightstand, but in some form or fashion I've experienced all three. If that makes me a hoe, so be it.
About 11 years ago I was a sophomore in college, I was single, and running these here streets with my girls. I was always a one man kinda woman, but after I got my heart broken by high school bae and dated a few other jerks, I was over it! I was still getting an allowance and making a little money through college work study, so I could buy what I wanted to. My dad had bought me a new car for staying in state for college, so I could go anywhere I wanted. I had access to alcohol whenever I wanted, especially in Canada, so I drank a lot. I loved trap music, grinding on random men while listening to said trap music, and participating in any event that included alcohol and a fun atmosphere.
During my "hoe phase" I was dating multiple people and not being upfront about it! Basically, I was leading men on to think they were all "bae", but knowing it wasn't true AND enjoying whatever luxuries that came with that omission. Men never really asked me if I was dating other people. The question was, do you have a boyfriend and to that I could always give an honest, no. Of course omission is still wrong but hey, if you don't ask the right questions, you will never get the answer you’re looking for. Luckily, I never had any run-ins with any of the other guys while out on dates. I didn’t bring randoms to the family cookout and besides my friends knowing, I was pretty private.
Now some of you reading this have probably already had your hoe phase- hey girl! However, for those of you who are thinking about it or are currently swimming in it, I want to share some of the perks and pitfalls of our actions.
PERKS OF THE "HOE PHASE"
FREEDOM- The motto was “We don’t trust these hoes and we don't love these hoes”. In my mind I was dating like a man. My pleasure came first, and I wasn't concerned about how men felt about it. I remember one night I got super drunk and made out with some random dude on the dance floor. Don’t ask me his name or what he looked like. I could be sitting next to him today and wouldn’t have a clue! In the end, I dated waaaaaay more people than I ever slept with. There was a part of me that still wanted to keep my numbers low, but I was free to explore and make my own decisions. Today, I am still an advocate of women exploring themselves sexually without being shamed.
FREE FUN- At this point in life, all the dates and meals were free ninety-nine. When I wasn't in class I was setting up my next date. Back then we clubbed every Friday and Saturday rain, sleet, or snow. Besides the bottle we shared in the car before going inside the club, we never paid for anything! I didn’t care if it was a happy meal or steak at a nice restaurant, I was not going in my purse, ever.
SEXUAL EXPLORATION-Hey, it’s true, the more practice the better you are at everything! Including sex! I was able to learn what I really liked and what I didn't. I also, learned what traits I really wanted in a partner what I would not tolerate. I believe that I am a better partner to my husband now because of it.
PITFALL OF THE "HOE PHASE"
A TRIP TO THE DOCTORS OFFICE- I won't get into specifics, but I found myself sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office once or twice asking myself if that fun night of drunken sex was really worth it. Judge away if you must, but most of us have had moments of regret. Some were easy to get over, while some we are still living with on a day to day basis.
HURTING SOMEONE YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT - I know most people believe that you can have casual sex and not develop feelings. And some heartless people can.. I”m just not one of them. If I’ve been dating you for months, there’s a fair chance that I would begin to care about you. Even, if it’s just a little bit. However, if you know someone is falling for you and you have absolutely no interest, cut them off or make it clear that you’re not interested in anything serious. You don’t need a stalker on your hands.
HAVING A REPUTATION THAT PRECEDES YOU- Like I said at the beginning of this post, some women are unable to leave the hoe phase. Unfortunately, sometimes your actions during this time are talked about so much that you develop a bad rep. Today, social media adds a whole nother level to the madness. Back in my day , lol, Facebook was still new and you could only use it if you had an email address at certain universities. Most of the ninjas I dated were not in college, so it didn't matter anyway! My advice is that if you’re gonna do dirt, don’t take pics or videos. Stop exposing yourself on the internet. Remember, real G’s move in silence.
At the end of the day, I wouldn’t change my choices for anything. And In case you’re wondering how my husband feels about this post, he doesn't give a damn about what I used to do because guess what, he has a past too. It would be hypocritical for him to shame me. Ladies, don’t be ashamed of who you were, focus on who you want to be and do better! My hoe phase clearly led into celibacy and I learned even more about myself. You can also check out my blog “That one time I tried Celibacy...”
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