Why it's okay to say NO to your partner
This August I will be launching my first e-book "The A to Z Guide to Thriving in the First Year of Marriage". The intended audience is for any women who is interested in marriage, currently engaged, or a couple months into marriage and thinking WTF did I get myself into?!?! While I finish editing the book, I decided that I would share a couple of the chapters with you in the next couple weeks. Today I'll be sharing a snippet of the letter "N", which stands for the chapter "It's okay to say NO". One of the hardest lessons in marriage or any relationship, for that matter, is learning when and how to say no. So let's jump right into it!
SAYING NO TO SEX
Let's start with my favorite subject, SEX! Clearly consent is an important part of sex, so it's always okay to say no to sex. Yet, growing up many women are taught that you don't turn down your partner. We are quick to tell our friends "that what you won't do for your partner, someone else will!" Which means as many times as a partner gets a penis up (or vagina wet), it is your job to knock it down. Yea... I don't believe that anymore.
There are some times when I'm just absolutely not in the mood, and in those moments I have the right to say no. I have a full time job, a son, a blog, a husband, and a house to keep tidy, I get tired! I also refuse to just lay there and be humped to please my husband #sorrynotsorry. Now during these times what I will do is give my partner 3 options:
1) Tell him to put in the necessary work to get me in the mood too-- That could mean go wash the dishes, put your son to sleep, give me a massage, or go downtown!
2) Take this here rain check for another time, usually within 24 hours.
3) Leave me alone and go masturbate.
I never feel bad because I say yes to my husband a lot. Pleasing him is just as important as getting pleased. So, I feel confident that I can turn him down every once in a while, and not get any attitude.
Now what is NEVER an option, is to go sleep with someone else. Married or not, if you're in a committed relationship that "what you won't do" story does not apply. Your partner needs to go sit their ass down or go find something productive to do. If a person loves and respects you, the thought shouldn't even be entertained. For those of you who think it should, someone lied to you. Yes, even Issa was dead wrong for cheating on Lawrence. When your needs aren't getting met, you can choose to fix the problem or leave the relationship.
I'm sure you're asking well what if it's been months? Still not okay to cheat. Instead you have to talk about the deeper issues that are keeping you from having sex. In most cases being emotionally unfulfilled in a relationship or being overwhelmed in other parts of your life (work, family drama, children, household chores) is more likely to be the problem. If a partner tries to make you feel guilty for not giving in, they may not be the right partner for you. Marinate on that!
Read The Honest Truth About Cheating on Kristin's Blog
OTHER GOOD REASONS TO SAY NO TO YOUR PARTNER
I'll touch more on these in the e-book, but other good reasons to tell your partner no is:
1) When you literally don't have the energy to cook a nice meal or do that household chore- Look, we all get overwhelmed. Not cooking a meal or having a messy house for a couple of days will not kill you. Going to the hospital for exhaustion is not cute. Get the rest you need and take care of yourself. If you're not good to yourself, you won't be able to take care of your family .
2) When it is unethical - Look I ain't going to jail for NOBODY. My husband knows that so he doesn't put me in situations where I would have to lie on the witness stand. I will tell on him. I’m too weak and I can't be somebody’s bitch in jail.
3) Children are made from a sperm and an egg. They deserve two parents. I don’t care what package that comes in. The woman should not be the primary caretaker of the child unless she absolutely wants to. If that means you need to take the time to teach your partner how to change a diaper, make a bottle, give a bath, and rock the baby to sleep the way you like it done, then take the time to do that! You will thank me when you want to go on that girls trip and need to leave the kids with your partner for the weekend.
Sex After Birth, Babies, and Kids by Victoria
Want more? Sign up to get your FREE Copy of my e-book when it comes out on August 30th.